Action Figures & Their Chocolate Bars, Part II !

by Beedo Sookcool
on 2017-10-24, 19:00:41

Yup. It’s only a week until Hallowe’en, and I figured it would be a good time to revisit this concept frm eight years ago, especially if you’re looking for some treats will stave off getting your house egged. (Don’t forget, I’ve been drinking for the AF&TB reviews lately, which is why it seemed like a good idea at the time.) On with the chocolate!

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WISPA GOLD

Light, crisp milk chocolate full of tiny bubbles, topped with golden fluid caramel, and coated in more milk chocolate. Light, crisp, smooth, airy, and golden. Just like C-3PO. Also insanely good. Even better than those Caramello bars I used to get when I lived in the States.

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ABSOLUTE BLACK

Normally, I like Montezuma chocolate. Really like it. The only thing that keeps me from loving it is the luxury-sized price tag per bar. But this particular one? Yeesh! It’s 100% cocoa solids, with a hint of orange oil in there for sweetening. Sweet £#%&ing arse crackers, this is horrible chocolate. Are you familiar with the phrase “food turning to ashes in your mouth”? Yeah, that’s what this is like. A strong kick of cocoa with a hint of orange at first, then it turns into an extremely dry, smoky, bitter powder that sucks all the moisture out of your mouth. Even eating a square with a mouthful of coconut milk did nothing to make chewing and swallowing any easier. This is the work of a sick and evil mind. Hence the pairing with Anti-Eternia He-Man, the Most Evil Man in the Anti-Verse. I might’ve used a Noob Saibot, but for two reasons: 1) those Storm Collectibles are pretty expensive to begin with, and 2) Noob Saibot’s a frigging convention exclusive, and even more expensive than the regular ones. So forget that.

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GNAW ROCKY ROAD

I have to say, the English haven’t gotten the hang of Rocky Road. Now, unless I’m very much mistaken – and I polled my American friends on this – Rocky Road is chocolate ice cream, marshmallow (either distinct chunks or in swirls), and nuts, which kind of nuts – either walnuts or almonds – may vary depending on who’s making the ice cream and what nuts are available to them. I have been informed that using chocolate-coated peanuts turns this concoction into a Tin Roof Sundae.

Now, this Norfolk chocolate bar brand, Gnaw, thinks Rocky Road should be chocolate, marshmallow, and vanilla fudge pieces. Gets even weirder in other parts of England, where the ice-cream flavour is chocolate, marshmallow, biscuit (usually shortbread) chunks, and cherries. Greeata actually loved the sound of this, and thinks it sounds better than the real thing. I suggested it should be called “Country Lane,” instead. And M&S makes “Rocky Road” bites, which were like chocolate Rice Krispie treats with marshmallows, sultanas, cherries, and biscuit in them. I think they’re trying to avoid nuts because of people with allergies, and we’re talking about a country where a bag of salted peanuts has to have a “Warning: contains nuts” label on it, so those who are not familiar with Rocky Road won’t eat nuts on accident. Of course, that defeats the whole purpose if these people then travel to the USA, order some genuine Rocky Road because they think it’s safe, and die of anaphylaxis.

So, to match up with this sad imitation of true Rocky Road, I give you Titans Return Legends-Class Gnaw, a miniscule letdown of an update of the 1986 version of the character, who was large and chunky and horrific. This one’s rather cheap, kibble-y, and just downright cute. Gnaw chocolate, on the other hand – all of their flavours that I’ve tried, at least – is pretty dang delicious.

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FLAKE

A Cadbury’s Flake, if you’ve never tried one, is what happens when you drizzle an ultra-thin sheet of milk chocolate into a rectangular mould. It sets into a very crumbly, velvety stick of aerated milk chocolate. Or, if you listen to know-nothing teenagers on “Americans Try British Candy” YouTube videos, “Eew, it looks like wood! Eew, it’s dusty! Eew, it’s different, and I don’t like that! Eew!!” And for the record, kids, the closest American thing to a Bounty bar is a Mounds, not an Almond Joy. Do your damn research.

I’ve teamed it up with MOTU Classics Madam Razz, the Witch of the Whispering Woods, the flakiest character in my collection. She’s over a thousand years old, forgets all her spells, and she tries, bless her, but she’s not the sharpest blade in the armoury. And her friend / vehicle, Broom, looks a bit like the offspring of a Cadbury’s Flake and one of Mickey Mouse’s enchanted cleaning tools.

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TWIX

C’mon, it’s Twix. You must’ve had a Twix at some point in your life. Shortbread and caramel covered in chocolate (we never got any other kind, here in England). There’s a left one and a right one. So it’s matched up with FodesinBeed Annodue.

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BOOST

Imagine a single, bloated Twix, with a lot more caramel, and the shortbread broken up into little chunks and imbedded in the caramel. That’s a Cadbury’s Boost. And who better to go with Boost than The Rocketeer?

And I just realised . . . he's stolen Han's gun! Nice.

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GALAXY RIPPLE

Galaxy Ripple is like a slightly looser and less dense Cadbury’s Flake made out of Hershey’s Symphony milk chocolate (except it’s actually made by Mars), and covered in a thin layer of milk chocolate in an attempt to keep it from crumbling all over everywhere. Well, I HAD to go with this galactic Ripley, obviously. This is the ReAction version that came with a Power Loader and an Alien Queen in a retro-styled 3-Pack. Normally, I don’t like, or even see the point in retro-styled figures, but I have to admit I had a strong hankering for this set, mainly to get a 3.75”-scale power loader and a queen to go with my ReAction 3.75”-scale retro Alien, which was based on the actual prototype Alien from the 1970s.

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MALLOW & MARSH

A low-cal chocolate-coated marshmallow bar. Actually, very nice. They also have a raspberry-flavoured bar, which I haven’t tried yet, and a trio of bite-sized marshmallows in vanilla, raspberry, and coconut. Yeah, here in England, you have different-flavoured marshmallows. Only they don’t really taste of much of anything, really. Anywho, this obviously gets paired with the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. I’m a huge Ghostbusters fan, but I never got the original Kenner version, the huge squidgy Mattel version from a few years back was ridiculously expensive, badly engineered, and disintegrated and discoloured if you looked at it funny, and I had no idea there were going to be Playmobil Ghostbusters offerings at the time, so I settled for the “parade float” version from the 2016 movie. On the downside, it LOOKS like a parade float, with seams and wrinkles and suchlike. On the upside, it’s more articulated than any other SPMM, before or since. And it lights up red. For some reason. (I haven’t seen the newest movie. Some have said that it’s just as well I haven’t.)

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TWIRL

It’s like the Cadbury’s version of a Galaxy Ripple (which, since Ripple is a rip-off of a Cadbury’s Flake, is hilarious), except there are two of them in a pack. I have chosen the Autobots’ answer to Deadpool, Whirl, as the mascot. I was just following the instructions on the wrapper.

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POPPING EYE CANDY CRÈME CHOCOLATE EYEBALLS

Very creamy milk chocolate, overly sweet fondant, and hardly any actual popping candy. Still, not too bad. And, of course, I had to go with MOTU Classics Optikk on this one.

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GHOOOST EGG

When I heard about Cadbury’s Screme Eggs, I knew exactly what I wanted to team them up with. Unfortunately, THIS happened:

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Ghooost Eggs are pfretty much like regular Creme Eggs: sickeningly sweet on the inside, only they’re all white, with no yellow bits.

And also, thank you, Kraft American Corporate Overlords Who Bought Out Cadbury And Shipped Most Jobs Overseas To Poland, for no longer even using Cadbury’s own Dairy Milk chocolate for these here in the UK any more, but some cheaper, inferior mixture. May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your genitals, and may your arms be too short to scratch. Not that I’m bitter.

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Okay, then. Happy Hallowe’en, everyone!