Action Figures & Their Beers - I can't think of a Unicorn gag.

by Beedo Sookcool
on 2013-02-04, 18:02:04


The supermarket bargain bins at Morrison’s yielded this little number early in 2012. Produced by Robinsons (no apostrophe, apparently), the same brewery that brought us Chocolate Tom, this 4.3% ABV premium ale was first brewed in 1896. “Bottled beers come and go, but only a few survive six generations,” says the blurb on the back label. Well, I’d certainly never heard of it before last year.

Don’t take that last sentence the wrong way. If you thought I meant “I’d never heard of it before, so it can’t be worthwhile,” you took it the wrong way. How it should be taken is: “If this beer has been around for almost 120 years, why the Seven Hells has it taken so long to get down to Devon?!!” I find this extreme regionalisation of comestibles disturbing, and it’s not just in Britain where good stuff is hard to come by. Try finding sugar cream pie outside Indiana. It’s bloody difficult to get birch beer outside Pennsylvania. And as for proper Key lime pie, you gotta get yourself down to southern Florida. Some people would argue that if all things were available everywhere, the world would be a bland, uniform place to live, and that making new discoveries in out-of-the-way places adds excitement and pleasure to life.

To those people, I say: “Variety is indeed the spice of life, but what happens when there’s not much chance of variety to begin with? We’ve got three McDonald’ses and four Subways in Torbay (probably more by the time you finish reading this article), but not a single Taco Bell or Wendy’s, and you’d be incredibly fortunate to find either of those in all of Britain outside an American military base, which wouldn’t let you in, anyway. We’ve got a bazillion Cantonese takeaways in the area, but I have yet to find a single Szechuan. I haven’t had a chocolate-peanut-butter Buckeye in almost a decade, and toasty cornbread muffins are but a distant memory. You can get twenty-three frigging different types of strawberry jam in the supermarkets, but you can’t get gooseberry jam anymore. Lick me, you self-righteous hippie.” Not that I’m bitter. Image

Now that I’ve got that rant out of my system, I’ve got to admit that as a huge, hairy, hard-cussing, hard-farting, ex-hard-drinking, testosterone-fuelled manly male, I don’t have much of a unicorn collection, not even those fighting unicorns made by Accoutrements, the same folks who make keen action figures of people like Vincent Van Gogh and The Albino Bowler. So, as I have a subscription to Mattel’s Club Eternia, the only possible action figure in my collection that I could link up with Unicorn beer is the MOTU Classics Swiftwind. Because it came with the subscription, and sending it back for a refund would’ve been a gigantic hassle. (Seriously, do not get me started on the problems I had the last time I tried sending unwanted stuff back to Digital River; it was a SNAFU of FUBAR proportions, once you added a well-meaning but clueless postman into the mix. Grrrrrrr . . . .)

Oh, yeah, we’re supposed to be talking about beer. Unicorn is a very nice ale indeed. Deep amber, moderately fizzy, and deliciously aromatic, it’s crisp, refreshing, and slightly hoppy, with the bitter hops aftertaste not being too strong or disagreeable. But for all the fanfare on the label, that’s the best thing I can say about it: it’s very nice. Nothing outstanding, nothing life-changing. But very, very nice, all the same. Definitely a good way to revitalise yourself on a hot summer day, or to wash down a sandwich or some snacks. I’d’ve happily bought it again, but Morrison’s only had it in stock the once, for about a week.

Drink this if you also like: Discovery, Stroh’s, or any other refreshing, not-too-hoppy ales or lagers. is not affiliated with Lucasfilm Ltd. or any of its licensees... damn them to hell. Can't they see a golden opportunity when they see it? Buy us, you fools! You already own our souls and all our money... buy US!!! This site uses Google Analytics. It does not collect or share any additional user data.
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