Action Figures & Their Beers - When you're a jet . . . .

by Beedo Sookcool
on 2017-06-27, 07:37:41


I found a new Brew Dog offering . . . somewhere. I can’t remember where I actually picked this up, because it was somewhere I don’t normally go to. Now, Brew Dog is located in Scotland. So I thought I needed a black-hearted, evil Scot to go with this. There isn’t an Alex Sammond action figure that I’m aware of. (Zing! Come to Creature Cantina for fandom stuff and beer, stay for the international political satire!) I could’ve gone with the Austin Powers Fat Bastard. Except I think I sold him years ago. I could’ve gone with Destro. Except he’s in the toy equivalent of the secret hangar at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, somewhere near the back, I think, with the other G.I. Joe stuff. Then I read the blurb:

“This black-hearted beast is chopped, tuned and ready to roll. A smooth-talking renegade to ravage your senses. Flirting with your taste buds, immersing them in an orgy of dark matter. Jet Black Heart is a milk stout with an ebony core. The black cat that got the cream. Loaded with oatmeal and primed for a smoother ride. Decadent cacao, subtle roastiness, and Autumnal fruitiness await in its deepest, darkest depths. Ride into the abyss with the black-clad outrider. This dark decadent daredevil will steal your heart and blacken your soul. Leaving you enveloped in shadow until the raven black renegade returns.”

Naughty. Black. Jet. That clinched it. I had to match this beer up with the Decepticons’ teleporting prankster, Skywarp. (In this case, the Masterpiece Skywarp made from the updated MP-11 mould.) Hells, the bottlecap and label even match Skywarp’s black-and-purple colour scheme! Image

I’ve never had a milk stout before. I thought it was just a fanciful descriptive term that alluded to the beer’s creaminess or something. But no, in addition to water, malted barley, oats, wheat, yeast, hops, and vanilla, it contains actual lactose. From actual milk. Both of which I am actually severely allergic to. But, I’ll do just about anything for beer, science, and a running gag. (Also love, but Greeata already knows that.) So I braced myself and drank, deciding to worry about how my sinuses would react and how badly my hands would disintegrate afterward.

And you know what? This extremely dark 4.7% ABV stout would, I thought, be worth the worry of loss of skin in a week or so. There’s the usual burnt taste you get with stouts, but it’s mitigated by melding into a dark-roasted coffee flavour. Then you get undertones of Tootsie Roll or xocolatl, and a hint of vanilla. Apart from the bitter-burnt stoutiness, the rest of the quaff is rich, nicely smooth, and a bit creamy.

Did I like it? Definitely, more than just about all the other stouts I’ve ever tried in my life! Will I have it again? No, but only because of my allergies. Even before I’d finished the glass, I felt my sinuses gearing up to express their voluminous displeasure with my consumption. But, on the upside, my skin didn’t bubble up and dissolve later on, which was nice.

Enh. Worth it!

Drink this if you also like: Stouts, milk stouts, chocolate stouts, vanilla stouts, coffee stouts. is not affiliated with Lucasfilm Ltd. or any of its licensees... damn them to hell. Can't they see a golden opportunity when they see it? Buy us, you fools! You already own our souls and all our money... buy US!!! This site uses Google Analytics. It does not collect or share any additional user data.
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