Action Figures & Their Beers - Full-on Broadside

by Beedo Sookcool
on 2017-06-24, 11:01:27

BROADSIDE

I have been waiting for years to do this one. YEARS, Hasbro! I used up all the best beer / figure pairings early on in this schtick, mainly because I didn’t think it would still be going eight and a half freaking years later. Yeah. I checked. The first AF&TB was at the end of January 2009. Where the Hells does the time go?! But once in a blue moon, you get a beer whose name perfectly matches up with that of an action figure. Usually one made by Hasbro.

And since the rebooted TransFormers were doing Triple-Changers since Wave 1 in 2006, I figured it wouldn’t be long until they got to the Autobots’ aircraft carrier / aircraft, Broadside. Boy, was I wrong!

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Anywho, Adnams Brewery of Southwold, known for its nautically-themed brews, produced their Broadside to comemmorate the Battle of Solebay in 1672, the first naval battle of the Anglo-Dutch War (Google it, if you like), a battle in which both sides claimed victory. This battle is also notable because it happened near where the brewery is now located, and actually had the English and the French working together, which is about as insane a development as OSU and Michigan State fans teaming up to take on Bemidji State supporters.

As for the beer itself, it’s described as a “ruby red” beer on the label, but that’s really pushing it. Chestnut, I can countenance. But not ruby. At 6.3% ABV, it’s got a good punch to it, both octane-rating and in flavour terms. It’s malty, cakey, a bit fruity and toasty, but it also has a hoppy tang which is on a slow fuse. Take a swig. Swish it around your mouth. Swallow. And then, about 10 - 15 seconds later, the hops kicks in. Not enough to make your face collapse, but enough to get your mouth watering for another belt.

And when it comes to the action figure partner of this beer, turns out I’m not the only one who’s a bit skeptical of the newer TransFormers, either. In his Christmas article about the new Astrotrain last year, Tresob picks apart some of its flaws.

Well, the long wait I’ve put up with for “Titans Return” Broadside culminated in a lot of minor flaws and letdowns. The hip joints are a bit loose. Locking tabs on the groin which hamper the leg movement. Tailplanes and ailerons are engineered to look backward because it’s somehow “space-i-er.” Panels that don’t fit together quite right, so the aircraft-carrier mode looks a bit shoddy. A really ugly jet mode. Fotunately, TransFormers fans have a great sense of visual-spatial perception, and “alternative” unofficial modifications and transformation schemes have cropped up online which makes the jet mode look a lot less hideous.

And then, this “Titan Masters” gimmick of removable heads that turn into tiny robot pals / pilots / gunners / sidekicks has gotten out of hand. At the risk of sounding like a GEEWUNNER, that gimmick was fine for the original Headmasters, Targetmasters, and so forth, but to do it to characters that weren’t originally bonded to a little dude with double-jointed knees, well, that just unneccessarily gives you another figure with a tiny but insanely crucial piece that is easy to lose.

Furthermore, when you think that a lot of the larger (Voyager-Class) Titan Masters have an action feature where you press a button to make their pointless RoBeau-Brummel collars shoot up . . . .

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Pictured: Big Frickin’ Whoop.

. . . it really makes one wonder why they couldn’t just to that with an attached, retractable head that would be much less easy to misplace? But that kind of sensible thinking is why I’m merely a cashier, and not nailing down that mad toy-designer money, I guess. Could be worse, though. Could be the G1 Broadside toy. Man, that thing should be killed with fire. At least in the ridiculous, mistake-ridden G1 cartoon (he had a Decepticon-purple logo drawn on him one moment, then a proper Autobot one a second later), he had an absolutely hilarious moment of using an unconventional alt-mode of limited use to take down the mightiest Decepticon combiner, Devastator:

So, Broadside, then. Very darned good beer, mediocre figure at best. And also, RIRFIB!

Drink this if you also like: Malty ales, fruitcakey beers, strong red beers good for accompanying tasty snacks.





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